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“For some reason, I just do not want to apologize to them over this.”

Okay, well, I lied when I insinuated that I did not understand or know the reason for my unwillingness to apologize. However,explaining my rationale to anyone else seemed pointless and, for some reason,increased my anxiety levels to a maximum. The way I look at apologizing is the same way I put everything else into perspective – criminals and law mumbo-jumbo. (The mumbo-jumbo includes shows with fake cops and basically anything I have ever read, seen, or heard about the politics around law). In order for a criminal or inmate to receive parole or time off of their sentencing, they have to admit guilt, right? There are some inmates, for example, that are not actually guilty of whatever they were found guilty of, such as people being framed for murders, rapes, etc. Some of those inmates would rather finish out their full sentence than admit guilt for a crime they never committed,especially since that would go on their legal record. Shit, if I wasn’t guilty of a crime, but I was doing time for it, I would definitely rather rot in prison than ruin my self-worth by lying to myself, the law, and most importantly, God.

The whole point of that monologue is to explain that I am not one to apologize when I feel no guilt or am not guilty. Lying can be so easy and saves face, but the truth saves you from society’s standards. I just want to be the truth. I like to imagine I place my loyalty in the truth and never choose the side that is filled with lies. But then again, I’m sure there are lies I believe to be true. If that’s religion or if that’s that women are simply better than men, then so be it. I just want to know the truth, though.Not only know. I want to spread and share the truth. My truths and everyone else’s,because everyone else seems too insecure or paranoid to be honest about their lives. I want to be honest about it all – not just the traumatic shit.

I want to be so honest that I don’t want to text you back because you simply over text me and make me stressed to even read your messages. I want to possess that much honesty – that even a lie to save face is not worth the time. I enjoy honesty, but I love to tell stories. The thing with writing is finding the truth in between the lies, which is what I seem to do all the time. I’ve written 368 words on my thoughts and myself within what?Like 3-6 minutes? I think so much, and these aren’t even all my thoughts. I write so much, but not even all my thoughts. Can you imagine how much material I could have if I wrote down every single thought my mind possessed? That’d be fucking terrific. It’d be the most interesting log of information –

  • I don’t like that girls feet
  • Maybe he’s not texting me back because he’s angry about what I said
  • What feet do I like?
  • He shouldn’t be angry
  • How much sleep did I even get last night?
  • I want to eat some fried chicken
  • Fuck fried chicken, I want thai food instead
  • Did he text me back yet? OMG
  • Shit, I totally knew that girl and didn’t say anything
  • I want to be successful
  • I want to be successful
  • I want to be successful

My mind always comes back to that desire of success. It’s incredible, because I see how much work other people put in to achieve their dreams and I become exhausted merely watching them. The more I grow, the more I am conditioned to believe that the truth will not further your career, but rather possibly end it. These past few years, our media, although often labeled fake, covered the truths of some of America’s biggest stars and politicians. In between witnessing footage of unlawful deaths of many innocent African Americans, Americans have been glued to their news screen watching the shit show of truths revealed about powerful men such as Donald Trump, Bill Cosby, Harvey Weinstein, etc (I’m sure I’m missing a ton of names). Some of these careers are tarnished, while others still prevail, but ultimately, we learn that lies are meant for evil or harmful intentions. Everyone seems to desire a utopia, where there is perfect harmony and unity within communities of people, diverse or homogeneous,but are not willing to create that unity within themselves. How can you be at peace in your environment when you so often distort it? Just think about it,seriously, for a second.

You wanted me to post, anon, so here are some thoughts I’ve been keeping to myself. Hope you enjoyed, xo

One Comment

  1. dav9s dav9s

    Thank you for writing again. I admire how strong you are and how you expose yourself through words. Your passions run deep, as I expect most things about you do.

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