TW: suicidal ideation I am happy. I don’t want anyone reading this post to think anything different, to think I’m masking emotions from the public when all I ever want to do is be vulnerable with the world. My vulnerability may cause you to worry, but please remember that my choice and my comfort with posting my thoughts means that you shouldn’t need to worry. With this in mind, let's begin my actual thoughts:
I am happy. I have the greatest friends who don’t have anything negative to say behind my back, they’ll always tell me the truth even when I don’t want to hear it. My family loves me so much and they show that daily. I have a great job that I enjoy and don’t see myself quitting anytime soon – I’m THAT happy.
Yet every night before I sleep, I wonder if I should quit this life. Maybe I’m talentless, maybe I’m nothing that I think I am. Maybe I’ve ruined countless lives, maybe I put my happiness above hurting people. Maybe I’m not good enough to deserve how incredible this life is. I think about this EVERY NIGHT. It’s always a thought throughout my day, that everyone would be better without me and my energy in this world. That my energy is better off in hell, Heaven if I’m lucky.
This is growth, though. I acknowledge I’m happy, I know how great my life is. But still I want to vanish entirely, the same way I used to when I was a teenager and majorly depressed. The growth comes in when I talk back to that same old inner dialogue.
Negative spirit:
“Honestly people would be happier if you just weren’t around, you cause problems and make people’s lives harder.”
My true self:
“No, your family & friends want to spend more time with you than you even have time for. A lot of people would miss you.”
Negative spirit:
“Okay but they’d move on quickly. You weren’t that good of a person, not that special. You don’t deserve this life and you’re a terrible human.”
My true self:
“No, you choose kindness as often as you can, just like everyone else. You deserve life and you being alive is special in itself.”
If I continue to push my true self’s dialogue and interrupt my negative spirit, then I will always turn out alright. This is almost never easy for me, even though I feel that I’ve been doing it for years. These conversations and my true self’s constant desire to validate its existence is what motivates me to pursue my passion for life and everything living. The interruptions are what push me to do better unto myself AND others, because I would hate to lie to myself.
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I’m wanting to share these thoughts because it is Mental Health Awareness Month and I know that I’m not the only person who feels this way. I’ve talked with some of you who have told me that you still resort to these saddening thoughts whenever an issue arises. It’s become your first reaction to anything negative – you want to die and not deal with this pain. I understand, deeply and truly. But the conversations you have with yourself inside your head are as important as the ones you have with others – you should be gentle, patient, and kind to yourself.
Throughout the month of May, people come together to promote mental health education, resources, and support. This promotion has led to more people seeking help when they need it, while also improving access to mental health services. I encourage you to do your part by having conversations about mental health because this always helps break down the stigma and barriers that prevent people from getting the support they need.
I don’t have this whole life thing figured out by any means. I wish I did and that I could give everyone the formula for true happiness and success, but all I can do is write to you about how I’ve been feeling and what I’m doing to self-soothe.
