*Originally posted on Medium.
Back to square one. I did not truthfully think this could be possible. I mean, just last night I was hoping he would text me and now I have two text messages from him, asking to meet up. That made me hopeful, again, that we could still be connected to each other even with distance. Soon enough, my mind begins rationalizing whether this shared thinking was a positive sign or a negative one. Either way, I was going to meet up with Gray. After our last interaction, I believed we both deserved to have a better ending.
The summer was just beginning, so Gray chose a spot close to one of the parks nearest our houses. I wasn’t sure if he did so because he remembered how much I adored feeling the sunlight on my skin, but we spent no time outside my vehicle. He had walked, since his house was less than a mile away, while I drove to avoid appearing sweaty in front of him. How can you know someone for so long and still feel so damn nervous around them?
I noticed his shadow before I noticed him, but the second my eyes changed focus onto the outline of his figure I felt tingles. Where? The electric feelings seemed to be everywhere, with no set origin and no set ending. Frantically, my eyes darted to the closest tree in sight. The inconsistent sway of the leaves and branches calmed me, but soon enough Gray was only a foot away from my car. I knew that if I turned my head, even just to unlock the door, I could catch glimpse of Gray for the first time since he left me stranded in the woods over two months ago. The door soon unlocked, then quickly opened.
Fresh. He still smelled so fresh.
Gray moved his body towards me in his seat, but the motion felt more forced than organic. Of course, this worried me. Even though I was nervous, even though my feelings for him were completely mixed, I still felt so natural around him. I wanted him to feel the same. His tan skin was glistening from the sunlight that was beaming in from my car window. Gray always looked like that, though. The sun seemed to love him as everywhere he went there was light radiating off or around him. Of course, this worried me, too. My eyes see the light, yet my heart continuously feels the darkness.
His movements were subtle, but something in the way he moved showed me that the thoughts he was about to express were anything but. These thoughts had been lingering his mind, how could they not?
“We went through that experience together.”
“No, not together. We shared a tragedy, but we endured alone.”
“I feel like you just want to argue with me.”
“This feels like an argument because you know abandoning me was wrong. This feels like an argument because you’re already acting defensive; you feel guilty.”
“You’re acting like you’re the only one who went through this. As if I could have no feelings on this.”
“No, Gray, I know you had so many feelings about this that you had to abandon me that night. I know how much it hurt you because it fucking hurt me, but I wanted to go through this shit with you.”
“Stop making yourself the victim. I didn’t leave you, I needed my own time. If you ever needed me, though, I would have been there.”
“I’m not making myself the victim. YOU made me the victim when you left, Gray.”
He exhaled loudly to signal his frustration with the direction in which the conversation was heading. I knew I angered him and desired to stop arguing, yet my mind absolutely refused. I missed being around him, simply. If we couldn’t speak amicably, then we could always at least speak harshly to each other. That’s the dilemma about passion: it can easily go both ways.
That realization was almost frightening. Gray and I could be great and epic, yet we could be completely destructive. The choice felt like ours, however I spent too much time being bitter over his disappearance. What happens if I forgive him? He’s allowed back into my life, punishment free? I want him to be around, of course, but I don’t want to be deserted again. I don’t want Gray to continue coming and going.
A guaranteed stay is what I need out of love, yet life is incredibly unpredictable. Who knows what will happen next? Because I want to know! I want to know that I can rely on him, that if something tragic were to happen again then he would be there.
Part of our tragedy seems to be that we never are in consistent contact when there are hardships we must endure. Gray and I go through our challenges alone, only finding comfort within the other when the pain no longer feels new. The numbness has already set in, but where was he when that wound was fresh? Where was he when I was crying, covered in dirt and bruises? I remember being alone, laying cold in the ground, analyzing every sound for danger. I remember thinking that I wouldn’t have been in this position, literally and figuratively, if he was still there.
Don’t you see? I can’t stop being bitter over Gray. No matter what, he represents confusion for me between my irrationalities and rationale. I know I should forgive, but not forget. I know that life cannot always be lived in absolutes. I know that emotions cloud our judgment in both negative and positive ways.
But I also know that I can’t let someone hurt me repeatedly. I know that it doesn’t matter how severe a wound is, but the fact I have any wound matters. I know that forgiving him would make our relationship better. I know I want that.
Confusion continues as I reflect. I cannot begin to fathom my own decisions and the reasoning behind them. Attempting to live life objectively and rationally caused more gray area than before when I stuck to my irrationality. If I know right from wrong, but still choose wrong, what the fuck does that make me?
And what does wrong even entail? My right could be wrong to you! Do you see how confused I am? Do you see the difficulty in living in my head?
What do I do,
To stop this confusion over you?
