*Originally posted on Medium.
Yes, I wish I didn’t leave Gray’s shitty Corolla in the parking lot that day. Circumstances got more interesting, however, as we both became more mysterious to the other. The following two weeks after kissing Gray were spent constantly texting him, waiting for the weekend just for another chance to be alone. That time never came, but the beginning of winter break seemed to end our strange saga. I found myself spending less time on his message screen and more time with friends, which never saddened me because I knew he was simply doing the same. This split always felt more like a path change than a genuine heartbreak, but I missed him from time.
I never knew if he missed me too. The second time he came around, I never had the courage to ask. Gray graduated that year I met him and his whereabouts were unknown to me, only because I did not check. Our amazing, short affair was impressionable, yet not always on my mind; other boys occupied his space, but sometimes I found I did not enjoy kissing them as much as I did enjoy kissing Gray. To me, that felt strange. No person had ever held a “best” title for me with anything, but Gray out-beat every guy I’ve kissed. Although, this judgment may be with bias as his charm and mystery alone make me feel like I could belong to him.
I was seventeen the next time we talked. His number was still saved in my contacts, untouched for over a year. My phone rang and seeing “Gray” calling left me in a temporary shock; his call rung until voicemail and immediately I unlocked my phone to call him back. Irrationalities and rationales were thrown around in my head, all trying to answer the gigantic question: WHY THE FUCK IS HE CALLING ME RIGHT NOW!?
Gray answers within one ring and I hear a faint sigh of relief before he begins speaking.
“Hey, how have you been?”
“Um, I’ve been good. I just graduated high school a couple of days ago, so that was exciting. Sorry, Gray, why are you calling? We haven’t talked in, like, over a year.”
“Yeah, I know this is weird. Ha. I guess I just wanted someone to talk to and I thought of you, we always vibed well together so I thought I’d give it a try.”
“Oh, I mean are you okay or are you just bored? Because I’m at the grocery store for my mom expecting a call back from her any time soon. I’m stuck in front of the creamers trying to remember which one she usually gets, but memory fails me.”
“Creamers are important, so if she calls you can just hang up on me. I’m fine, not really bored just been in my own head a lot. Want to socialize.”
“Then what are you doing later?” My breath felt caught and I could feel my body heating up, nervous I was being too forward. What if he’s the type to enjoy the chase? What if he isn’t into me anymore and this call is completely innocent?
My two seconds of thoughts were interrupted by Gray’s voice over the phone, saying, “Nothing, but I think now I am going to be hanging out with you. Do you like ice cream?”
“You know I love ice cream.”
“With chocolate cake slices and milk, yeah. I remember.”
His voice was charmingly casual, but every word was processed into my brain then sent directly to my heart and was stored there. I wanted his “yeah” and his “I remember” to be another reason for my heart to continue pumping my blood. That thought made me feel weak, almost pathetic, but this guy means something to me, whatever that something may be. My thoughts distracted me from a response, but Gray was quick to fill the silence I created between us.
“Do you like Miligrams’? I know it’s a little further out but we could drive together or something.” I liked where he was going with this. Hearing his voice made me remember all our late-night phone calls, learning about each other while everyone else was dreaming. Gray has always been different and cool to me, getting to know him was thrilling and endearing. I remember how the conversation felt as if it could never end, our words were free flowing and bouncing off each other consistently. There was never much silence, just pure dialogue.
“Yes, that is actually my favorite ice cream shop. Could I pick you up after I finish here?”
“My only plan is to hang with you, remember? So yes, I’ll text you my address just let me know when you –”
My phone buzzed into my ear to alert me of my mother calling. “Gray, my mom is calling. Text me, bye.” My heart felt low as I ended his call to begin another. My five minute, awkward escapade at the creamer section of the grocery store soon ended and my mind was focused solely on the outfit I would wear to see Gray.
My phone’s maps application guided me to Gray’s house, which turned out to be precisely eight minutes away. We could have been hanging out forever ago. His voice sounds firm as he answers my phone call, but he confirms that he will immediately come outside and into my car. The moment the passenger door opened his fresh aroma was present and once his body was sitting beside mine, my mind began to lose it. It being the already low composure I keep, of course.
Ideas and questions began racing inside my mind again, with each one faster than the other, yet with no winner. How many ways could I describe how incredible this man smells? Is this his natural scent or is this cologne? Why does he look so good? Why does he fuck me up more than most boys do? Is he going to want me? I really fucking want him to like me.
Luckily, Gray interrupted my thoughts.
“Hey, I came as soon as I could. I remember you’re impatient.”
“You seem to remember a lot.”
“Eh, only the bad things.”
“Hey — ”
“I’m kidding. I just remember a lot from that year.”
I wondered, then, what had happened to him during the year we met. I wanted to know the things he wasn’t going to tell me.
We catch up while we begin our forty-minute drive to Miligram’s, but of course I can barely remember what he said or what he did while we were apart. Much of that did not matter, I was more curious about his current state and what triggered his spontaneous phone call to me. Almost pathetically, I desired hearing that he missed me from time too.
As Gray is talking about his life after graduation, I wonder if I became weirdly attached to him after our illusive two-week affair. However, our conversations would last until three in the morning on a school night and I was sixteen, remember, I had never done that with anyone before. The ride to Miligram’s felt faster than usual as our conversation filled the dry thinking state car rides usually carry. Talking with Gray feels as if I can zone out with my thoughts alone, but to another person, without judgment and only with the pure intention of getting to understand me better. How can a person you hardly know feel like such a safe space?
One topic flows into another as religion, World War II, serial killers, and various other ideas are discussed. Fire conversation calls for time elapsing quicker, so an hour later we’re back in my car on the way to his place, but I know this night can’t end already. I try to find some way to inspire an invitation as I say, “You know I only live, like, eight minutes away from you?”
“We could have been hanging out forever ago, man.”
“That’s weird, that’s exactly what I thought.”
“Well, you might as well come over till your parents call you home. They’re still that type, right?”
“You remember too much.”
“Maybe you just talk too much.”
“I think I’ll come talk too much in your house, you know, just to annoy you.”
From the corner of my eye, I saw Gray’s smile as he turned up the volume of the song that was playing.
What do I do?
I feel like I’m made for you.